Tough line on foreigners
The British Government is taking a hard line against foreign visitors. The Home Secretary, Jack Straw, has told would-be 'visitors' to Britain that from now on they must either be dead or a convicted rapist. The first wave of dead visitors arrived in the early hours of Monday morning, just twenty four hours after the first rapist.

Vicars to change sex
The Church of England have ruled that all its vicars are to undergo a sex-change in order to get more women into church. The Rev Peter Stone, who is the vicar at St Philip's Church, Upper Stratton, Swindon, will be the first to surgery, he will then resume his position as the Rev Carol Stone. The Bishop of Bristol, the Rt Rev Barry Rogerson, said, "There are not enough women in the Church. Once Rev Stone has had it done, we will reassess the situation. We have not ruled out the possibility of members of our congregations having sex changes too".

IKEA to take over
The Swedish furniture chain IKEA is to take over the entire UK over the next 10 years. The company says that it intends to rebuild every home, road and office in the country and give them a strange name with funny little dots over some of the letters. A spokesperson for IKEA said, "I was having a few drinks on Saturday night with some of the directors and we decided to take over the UK." A lot of homes in the UK already have items from IKEA ranging from futons to wardrobes and lamps to small silver things you use in the kitchen. We will also all be forced to eat meatballs.