Lord Birt to advise on crime
The former Director General of the BBC, Lord (John) Birt, has accepted a post offered by the Prime Minister to act as an advisor for the Government on crime. Lord Birt, who has no previous experience of law and order said, "What I plan to do is to split criminals up into two sections. Criminal One and Criminal Two. All the serious hardened criminals would be a Criminal Two, while Criminal One would be for more entertaining criminals. Long term I propose that we introduce digital criminals - Criminals Choice, Criminals Play, with old criminals allowed to offend again as Criminals Gold. Everyone in the country would have to pay to have criminals and this would be known as the Criminal Licence." When asked about how he proposed to stamp out crime Lord Birt said, "We could bring back Noel Edmunds and Mr Blobby, that'd stop 'em".

Prince banned from Harrods
The husband of the Queen, formally known as Prince, has been banned from shopping at Harrods. Prince Philip often used to pop down to the Brompton Road store for a packet of fags and a National Lottery Lucky Dip. But this latest move by Harrods boss Mohamed al-Fayed is sure to knock the Prince's nose out of joint. Mr al-Fayed is happy for other members of the Royal family to shop there and a spokesperson for The Palace said that the Queen is likely to send the Queen Mother down for a penny mix-up and forty B+H on a Saturday night.

Blair needs a holiday
The Liberal Democrat Leader, Charles Kennedy, has said that the Prime Minister Tony Blair should take a holiday. "The man is knackered and should get away for a few weeks". It's thought that Mr Kennedy kinds words are a red herring and that he is planning a coup while "the big man" is away.