Birthday - a tribute too early
Lots and lots of people turned out yesterday to pay tribute to the Queen Mother. The Queen Mother who it is hoped will be 100 next month, looked a bit confused as she accepted birthday greeting from thousands of people she'd never even heard of for a birthday she hasn't even had yet. A spokesperson for the Palace summed up everyone's thoughts by saying, "We thought it best to have a party sooner rather than later. At her age you just don't know, do you".

Read my lips - no more taxis
The Conservative leader William Hague has gone back on his word on taxis in what is seen by many as a U-turn. Speaking for himself, Mr Hague said, "We have said any prudent government should be able to reduce taxis and spend more on vital public services." A spokesperson for Dial-a-cab said, "I thought he was talking about something totally different, I thought he was going to cut down on faxes". No one from anywhere else was available for comment.

Three items or less
The Royal Navy has placed an order for three new Type 45 destroyers. Defence Secretary Geoff Hoon said the £1 billion order was a bargain. "The shipyards were doing a buy-two-get-one-free offer with extra Tesco clubcard points. The only down side is that the ships will carry weapons capable of killing people, but at least it will secure jobs for 5,500 good guys.