London to get new theme park
An unused dome shaped building in London is to be turned into a place of entertainment by a Japanese backed company. The site, which was built for a snip at £758million, will be magically transformed into a place where people will want to go and will be based on the theme of Europe. Attractions planned include: The Euro Ride - jump on board (when the time is right) and watch your money disappear into foreign banks, The Italian Surprise - as you are being shown to your seats watch the surprise on women's faces as they get their bottoms pinched, And The Brits Abroad Ride - have your quiet evening stroll ruined by genuine pissed up thugs who will happily smash glasses at your feet and throw tables at each other because "we won the war".

Hang up
The Department for Education has written to every head teacher in England telling them to discourage children from using mobile phones on health grounds. A spokesperson for the Department for Education said, "Although research has proved inconclusive as to whether the kids are at risk from radiation, I think that we should indulge in some scaremongering and add extra pressures onto teachers as, let's face it, they get very long holidays, unlike me, who only has four weeks a year off, one of which I have to take at Christmas".

In good health
The Government is to give the National Health Service a kick up the arse with a massive investment of 'billions' over the next ten years. Prime Minister Tony Blair, who has been ill a couple of time in his life, said, "We are going to redesign the health service system around the needs of the individual patient. If Mr Wilson needs to get up in the middle of the night to have a pee, I want a nurse there to lend a hand. If Mrs Patel wants to have her heart transplant done at home, then I say - why not." Mr Blair also announced that children aged four to six in infant schools will receive a free piece of fruit. It will be a grape and they will get it on the last Friday of the Summer Term.