MP3 - wasn't he in Star Wars?
The online music site MP3.com has settled the copyright suit brought by music giant EMI. The company is expected to pay about $20m in damages and has agreed to pay a fee each time a an EMI copyright recording is registered on its websites. The move comes just days after internet experts declared MP3 dead and suggested that in the future people would listen to music on transistor radios or play recorded music from a wax cylinder. A spokesperson for something or other said, "MP3 is the Betamax of audio. It's the hair in the soup of new technology and it's the trapped fart in the diving suit of the internet".

Farts killed dinosaurs
A new report from China claims that dinosaur wind caused the extinction of the animals. The findings were uncovered by a French scientist who said, "The animals would eat between 130 and 260 kilos of food a day. They would break wind non-stop." The gas, which had high levels of methane then penetrated the ozone layer. In what has been seen by some as a knee jerk reaction, the Chinese government has banned the sale of peanuts, baked beans and cabbage and limited the population to one flatulent moment a day, with two on Saturdays.

Dead fish in river
More than 36,000 fish have died in a river in Lancashire. The fish, including brown trout, minnows and sticklebacks, were found in the River Irwell near Rawtenstall. The Environment Agency has been called in to investigate the cause of the pollution and suspect that the deaths may have been a classic case of mass suicide. A spokesperson for the Environment Agency said, "It's not uncommon for fish to kill themselves if they get upset or think that the world is ending." When pressed, the spokesperson ruled out any chance that the fish died from methane poisoning caused by fish farts.