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Headline
writer is a 'phoney'
There
are fresh claims today that Peter Poster the leading headline writer
is an impostor. The claim come following reports that Mr Poster
hasn't actually written a headline. In a statement from his home
in Goole, Mr Poster said, "I have nothing to say on the matter,
other than to say that at this moment I have nothing to say."
Hedgehog
run over
A hedgehog has died following an accident with
a car. The hedgehog, who hasn't been named, was crossing the M5
when it was hit by the car. Police have asked for witnesses to come
forward.
Restaurant
closed
A
top restaurant in Manchester is closed this morning. The eating
establishment, that can't be named, isn't expected to reopen until
lunchtime. A spokesperson said, "We had a busy night last night
with lots of food and drink flowing. But the staff need some time
off, so we'll be closed until noon."
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PM's top lip is
stolen
The Prime Minister, Tony Blair, has had his top lip
stolen. A spokesperson for Downing Street said that an intruder broke
into Mr Blair's private quarters on Friday night and stole his top lip.
Mr Blair wasn't at home at the time, but the robbery does throw into doubt
the security measures in place to protect minister's lips. This latest
theft brings the number of stolen top lips to six in as many weeks and
Home Secretary Jack Straw is expected to make an announcement in the House
tomorrow.
Mystery of the
falling washing
Fortean
investigators from all over the world are descending on the quiet village
of Hartington in Derbyshire following reports that washing has been falling
from the sky. Eyewitness, Maureen Farrel said, "I was pottering in
my garden when all of a sudden a sock fell on me. Before I knew it the
garden was covered in skirts, sheets and various items of underwear."
Other people living in the village have reported similar cases. Brian
Jackson said, "I opened my front door to get the milk and discovered
four hundred pairs of tights on my lawn". Local meteorologists say
that the freak washing was probably caused by storms in the Sahara desert
sucking up washing from homes and dumping them on Hartington.
Obituary
The Hollywood
actor, Michael Douglas' left leg has died. Mr Douglas, who is the son
of Kirk, was playing football in the garden when he accidentally banged
the leg just below the hip. "It went dead straight away", said
local physician, Marcus Homely. "One minute Mr Douglas was playing
happily, then, bang, tragedy struck. I really feel for the guy."
Mr Douglas' leg leaves a right leg and is expected to make a full recovery
in time for a game of baseball on Tuesday night with some mates.
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Wasted away
A
wheelie bin full of rubbish has been stolen from a house in Wiltshire.
The bin, stuffed full of bits of paper, broken glass, food scarps
and a few unmentionables, was taken from the driveway of a house
in Swindon. Police say that they a baffled by the theft. A spokesperson
said, "What makes it even more strange is that the bin was
returned a few minutes later empty". Other similar cases have
been reported in the same street.
Shoe
"the next Houdini"
A size three shoe has amazed magicians
all over the world by escaping from a tank of water. The shoe, thought
to be a slingback, was placed in handcuffs and dropped into the
tank. Forty two hours later it floated to the top, apparently unharmed.
Weekend
Weather
Sunday
may turn out to be Cloud day.
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