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The Harbinger on Sunday
09 July 2000 The Harbinger Archive
 
In briefs

Headline writer is really a woman
The Harbinger on Sunday can exclusively reveal that Peter Poster the leading headline writer is in fact a woman. The news will send shockwaves through the newspaper industry as for many years Mr Poster has been a part-time stripper in a London lap dancing club close to Fleet Street.

Shop runs out of fresh milk
A small shop in Derbyshire has completely sold out of fresh milk. The owner, who wishes to remain anonymous, said, "We had a bit of an unexpected rush last night and I sold the last pint to Mrs Graham".

Water leak
A leak at a water plant in Wales means that householders are being asked to do nothing. A spokesperson for the company said, a small hole appeared in the roof of one of our storage tanks which meant water was getting in. But as we only store rain water in the tank it doesn't seem to be a problem.

 
 

Man's head shrunk in wash
A man is to sue a leading shampoo manufacturer after his head shrunk while he was washing his hair. The man, who'd rather not be named, but can easily be recognised by his unusually small head, said, "I started washing my hair as normal but then I heard a kind of creaking noise. Whey my wife came into the bathroom she hardly knew me as my head had shrunk by about 8 inches". A spokesperson for the shampoo manufacturer said, "We've never heard anything so stupid in all our lives. He must be on drugs or something".

Jam doughnut in bank raid
A jam doughnut, wanted by the police for a series of brutal crimes, is thought to be behind a bank raid in Merseyside. The robbery took place in Bootle on Friday afternoon when a gang of various pastries burst in and demanded money. Security cameras failed to identify all of the gang but the police say that the raid had all the hallmarks of the the notorious jam doughnut. A reward is being offered for any information which may lead to the arrest of the gang. A spokesperson for Merseyside Police said, "He's a nasty piece of work and the sooner we get him the better it will be for all of us. We're just not safe while this doughnut is on the loose".

Obituary
An almost famous actor has died at his home in Surrey. He was 76. The actor, who appeared in a number of films that starred names like, James Stewart, Gene Kelly and Lawrence Olivier, was often seen sitting at a bar or walking down a street or driving a cab. Regarded by many as the greatest actor they'd never heard of, he was one of those people who'd you see and recognise, but hadn't got a clue from where. Tributes have been paid by a number of cinematic stars, including Bob Hope, who said, "He was an actors actor. The kind of guy you looked up to. He was a true great of Hollywood... what was his name again? And you're sure I worked with him?"

 
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Got stuck
A small child has got their finger stuck up their nose. A spokesperson for the local hospital said, "Their mother had warned them that this would happen, but did they listen? No. We're doing all we can."

Radio answered back
A middle aged woman from Lancashire had a bit of a shock when her portable radio answered back. She was listening to a heated debate about something or other when she shouted at the radio. The wireless immediately told her to" shut up and mind her own business".

Weekend Weather
Mmmm, the weekend weather. Now let me see. Ah yes, I know. Rain.

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