Hague defends his drinking
The Leader of the Opposition and doer of no wrong, William Hague has defended his revelation that he spent most of his younger days pissed. In an exclusive interview with the Daily Harbinger Mr Hague said, "There was nothing wrong in what I did. Ten to fourteen pints a day was the norm in those days. You can't do that sort of thing today under the New Labour government. Vote for us Tories at the next election and I promise you a piss head in every home. I promise you a bar in every school. I promise you a pool of sick on every street corner. I know what the people of this country want and I say vote Conservative and I'll make them all a double". A spokesperson for Conservative Central Office said, "Mr Hague was speaking off the record".

Sailor keeps getting lost - prat
Sailor Eric Abbott keeps getting lost because he uses AA roadmaps to navigate his ship. So far coastguards have had to rescue him six times from the Irish Sea at a cost of around £30,000. Mr Abbott, who lives somewhere or other, said, "These maps are crap. I enjoy sailing but if the AA can't produce decent roadmaps for sailors then what do you expect?". Mr Abbott used to be a pilot for British Airways but had to give up his job when someone stole his A-Z of London.

Pop stars to switch on lights
Musical 'sensation' Westlife have drawn the short straw to switch on the lights at Blackpool this year. To make matter worse they will be joined by teen idol Billie Piper as the organisers are worried that they won't know how to use the switch. A spokesperson for Blackpool lights said, "Every year we invite the biggest names in showbusiness to switch on the lights. Sadly this year they were all doing their hair so we picked a couple of names out of Exchange and Mart." The big switch on is due on 1 September, until then everyone in Blackpool will have to rummage around in the dark.