of the day
St Bob, patron
saint of people who are obsessed with patron saints.
never really understood what Cleopatra was doing with the asp in the
Former Prime Minister John Major
Free trips to France for all our readers.
Just hide inside the back of a lorry parked up at Dover.
defends his drinking
The Leader of the Opposition and doer of no wrong, William Hague has defended
his revelation that he spent most of his younger days pissed. In an exclusive
interview with the Daily Harbinger Mr Hague said, "There was nothing
wrong in what I did. Ten to fourteen pints a day was the norm in those
days. You can't do that sort of thing today under the New Labour government.
Vote for us Tories at the next election and I promise you a piss head
in every home. I promise you a bar in every school. I promise you a pool
of sick on every street corner. I know what the people of this country
want and I say vote Conservative and I'll make them all a double".
A spokesperson for Conservative Central Office said, "Mr Hague was
speaking off the record".
keeps getting lost - prat
Eric Abbott keeps getting lost because he uses AA roadmaps to navigate
his ship. So far coastguards have had to rescue him six times from the
Irish Sea at a cost of around £30,000. Mr Abbott, who lives somewhere
or other, said, "These maps are crap. I enjoy sailing but if the
AA can't produce decent roadmaps for sailors then what do you expect?".
Mr Abbott used to be a pilot for British Airways but had to give up his
job when someone stole his A-Z of London.
to switch on lights
Musical 'sensation' Westlife have drawn the short
straw to switch on the lights at Blackpool this year. To make matter worse
they will be joined by teen idol Billie Piper as the organisers are worried
that they won't know how to use the switch. A spokesperson for Blackpool
lights said, "Every year we invite the biggest names in showbusiness
to switch on the lights. Sadly this year they were all doing their hair
so we picked a couple of names out of Exchange and Mart." The big
switch on is due on 1 September, until then everyone in Blackpool will
have to rummage around in the dark.
The EXAGGERATED index closed fourteen million points
up and six hundred and forty seven million point 2.
In some editions of yesterday's Harbinger some
readers found ten pound notes. This was an error. As we don't know
exactly which readers found the money we are asking for all our
readers to send a couple of quid to make up for the money lost.