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The Daily Harbinger
Mon 14 August 2000 The Harbinger Archive

Saint Day

St Linda, patron saint of white dog muck.

Quote of the day
"This bloody Bic has run out."
Writer Barbara Cartland


In tomorrow's Harbinger...
Sex and drugs and rock and roll. Tokens to collect.












Left handed people are not right
A top union says that Repetitive Strain Injury (RSI) is more common among people who are left-handed. The GMB union says that the problem arises because equipment is designed for use by right-handed people. A spokesperson for all left handed people in the world said, "We're just sick of it all. We want a fair deal for a left hand. Let's face it, without your left hand you'd be lost. You wouldn't be able to cut meat, clap or pick your nose properly." A spokesperson for the British Medical Council said, "The simple answer would be for schools to teach children how to use both hands. I'd give my left arm to be ambidextrous".

Telly good for education - official
Researchers at Reading University say that watching television could help you pass your exams. The researchers say students who had watched TV, had a coffee and eaten some peanuts shortly before taking an IQ test did better than those who read a book or completed a crossword. The only drawback was that half way through the test they started singing the theme tune to Blue Peter, needed to go to the toilet and farted a lot, putting off the other students in the test. A spokesperson for Reading University said, "I'm sorry but we haven't got anyone here at the moment who can comment. Can you call back in the morning?"

Degree of daftness
The chief inspector of schools, Chris Woodhead, says Universities that offer degrees in unimportant subjects are making a mockery of the whole education system. Mr Woodhead said, "It is our job to degrade the education system and we don't need any help from Universities with courses such as Pig enterprise management, Knitwear, Beer making or Contemporary circus." Mr Woodhead, who is a Bachelor of Arse Licking went on to say, "This simple truth has so far eluded politicians, who have sacrificed the integrity of vocational training on the altar of vacuous theoretical convolution", to which he received a chorus of "What the bloody hell are you on about you tosser?" from the waiting press.

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In last Monday's Harbinger we omitted to say that this Monday's Harbinger would not be printed. We're sorry about that and are only too pleased to put the record straight.















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