Boys fight over promises
The Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott and shadow chancellor Michael Portillo have come to verbal blows over their party policies. Basically the two grown men have nothing better to do with their time than to make claim and counter claim about the other person's party. A spokesperson for Mr Prescott said, "Michael Portillo said some things about us that just aren't true. Just because our leader is on holiday the bully boys at Conservative HQ think that they can pick on us, well we're telling." Meanwhile a spokesperson for Michael Portillo said, "Prescott started it. Said our leader was a piss artist. It just ain't true and anyway, my brother is bigger than that Labour has been". Both spokespersons then argued over policy, but it all got very boring and to be honest I switched off.

Football's rich pickings
The money earned by England's 92 football clubs rose to £951 million in the 1998-99 season, according to researchers at Deloitte & Touche. But with the continued increase in players' wages, some clubs are feeling the pinch. A spokesperson for Manchester United, who play in the north somewhere, said, "The wage bill has gone through the roof. We will seriously have to think about increasing the price of a match ticket to around £375 per game and find other ways to generate income for the club. One idea that we plan to implement very soon is a new team strip for every game."

Van man to miss out on love
The Cascade Club social club for single people in Newport are to ban white van drivers from joining. Self-employed financial advisers and counsellors are also banned as they are "undesirable" and need to "sort your own lives out first". A spokesperson for the Club said, "It's a publicity stunt. Anyone who falls for it want their head examining and any newspaper that publishes the story won't be worth the paper it's printed on". But some people have taken it seriously, which is why the editor asked me to get a quote from a Club spokesperson, the daft bastard.