of the day
St Dot, patron
saint of splinters.
your mother on the phone,"
Newsreader John Humphries
Uri Geller talks exclusively about how,
as a child, he used to bend cardboard.
A bunch of scientists, who obviously haven't read the work of Aldous Huxley,
have advised the British Government to begin tests on human cloning. Experiments
could lead to the growing of human 'spare parts' and the scientists say
that people who suffer from painful illnesses could, theoretically, be
kept alive a lot longer and thus suffer a great deal more. A spokesperson
for the Department of Health said, "I must admit that when I heard
what they were planning to do I was outraged. But then I realised that
they were talking about human cloning, not humane clowning, the consequences
of which would be unimaginable". The Prime Minister, Tony Blair was
unavailable as too was the actor who plays Krusty the Clown on the Simpsons.
The number of people claiming unemployment benefit in the UK fell to just
over one million last month according to the Office for National Statistics
(which only uses half of the letters available to it in the English alphabet).
A spokesperson for the Department of Employment said, "We are very
disappointed with the figures. At one time Britain led the way in the
unemployment stakes, but now we are falling far behind. But it's not all
bad news as some of our policies are due to bear fruit as hundreds of
small businesses go down the drain."
study north of border
The son of Prince Charles, Prince William, will be
heading north to St Andrews University in Scotland to continue his studies.
The university was founded in 1411 and is thought to be nothing like Harry
Potter's Hogwarts school where wizards and witches learn magic spells
and horrible beasts hide in secret chambers far below the the earth. A
spokesperson for St Andrews said, "We'd love to have the Prince here,
it'll be super. But he won't be getting any special treatment just because
he's got blue blood running through him. But of course it all depends
on how well he does with his A-Levels as to whether we'll allow him to
be Head Boy or Vice Principle".
TAKE AWAY index
The TAKE AWAY index closed 65 down at 75, that's with
fried rice and some prawn crackers.
Faultless yesterday, apart from a couple of small
typing errors, a misleading headline and two erroneous stories.