Browns now on honeymoon
Mr and Mrs Gordon Brown have begun married life together with a holiday in Cape Cod, Massachusetts. After the wedding at Mr Brown's home in Scotland, the happy couple posed for photographers before setting off to America to consummate the marriage. But the Prime Minister Tony Blair and his wife Cherie did not attend the service as they feared that they too might be photographed. A spokesperson for Mr Brown said, "The couple are really happy. I've never seen two people more in love. Ah, I remember my wedding. The sun was shining and I felt on top of the world. My wife, God bless her, was really horny that night and I remember....".

New drug tests for drivers
Drivers suspected of taking drugs are to be given new roadside tests by the police. The tests include making drivers stand on one leg and touching their noses with their eyes closed. But already the new tests have sparked controversy. A spokesperson for the Institute of Advanced Motorists said, "This is madness. I would say that the majority of people would find it difficult to touch the end of their nose with their leg." Richard Brunstrom, a spokesman for the Association of Chief Police Officers, said, "One of the easiest ways to spot a driver who's on drugs is the telltale Doors tape in the cassette player".

Egg-cellent news for jobs
The Internet bank, Egg, has announced plans to create 1,500 jobs in Derby. The bank, which currently has over one million customers, takes it's name from the oval thing that drops out of the backside of a chicken. A spokesperson for Egg said, "This is cracking news. The company is still in an embryonic stage but from here on in it will be poultry in motion". We would like to point out that the spokesperson was sacked a few minutes after speaking to us.