BBC loses TV rights
The BBC has lost its rights to show highlights of Premier League matches. Apparently a top BBC executive put them down somewhere and when he went to get them later "they were gone". The whole of the BBC has been turned upside down as members of staff looked for the rights. All leave was cancelled as every corner of the BBC was searched. BBC Director General Greg Dyke said, "We are sorry to announce the BBC has lost the Premier League Rights". When pressed on whether or not it would affect the Licence Fee, Mr Dyke said, "and what fee is that then?". Chief executive of the Premier League, Richard Scudamore, said, "We offer our condolences to the losers, but if they can't look after them we'll just have to give them to someone who can, like ITV for instance". A spokesperson for ITV said nothing, but laughed very loudly.

Iceland go organic
Iceland, that funny little country, sort of northish, is to insist all its shops sell only organic food. In a move that will send icicles down the spines of other food retailers, the Prime Minister of Iceland said, "It's bloody cold here in Iceland".

Blair calls on Prescott to win next election for Labour
The Prime Minister, Tony Blair, has asked his Deputy, John Prescott, to spearhead Labours' General Election campaign. Basically Tony wants John to do all in his power to make Labour 'electable' in the light of dwindling support. It is thought that Mr Prescott will rise to the occasion and resign later this year.