C&A to close down shops
The high street shopping chain C&A is to close. C&A, which is short for Closed and Axed, will turf 4,800 onto the dole. However, if they don't like the dole, they can take it back within a month and exchange it for a life of misery and poverty.
C&A is privately owned by the Dutch Brenninkmeyer family and the Managing Director, Neil McCausland, said, "This is a sad and difficult decision for the company. But there is some good news. I still have my job".

Royal stalkers shot dead
A table and carpet have been shot dead by one of the Queen's bodyguards after the two items managed to board the Royal train unnoticed in Cardiff. A spokesman for Scotland Yard said, "Two shots were fired, one into a table and the other into the carpet. They were both killed instantly". It's not known why the table and carpet were on the train, but earlier in the day police were made aware that a threat had been made against the Royal Family by a carpet answering to the same description of the one shot dead.

Sport: BBC wins FA Cup
The BBC has won the FA Cup. The match looked set to go into extra-time and a penalty shoot-out when the Director General, Greg Dyke, slammed £70m on the table. It was an astonishing win, especially when you take into account the trouble caused over the lost Premiership rights reported earlier this week.