All is not lost for England
British football fans are expected to come to the rescue of the national team this week. Kevin Keegan and his team failed to lose against Germany on Saturday and are even in danger of qualifying for the quarter finals. But all is not lost as Prime Minister Tony Blair has stepped in and has asked British fans to put the organisers of the Euro 2000 competition, UEFA, into a position where they can expel the England team. "The players have done their bit but let us down badly, it's up to fans now to make sure we don't progress any further in the competition", said Mr Blair.

Rapist allowed to enter country
Convicted rapist Mike Tyson has arrived in Britain for his 'Rapist Allowed To Do What The Hell He Likes' tour. More than 40,000 people, who support the right of a man to force sex on a woman, have so far bought a ticket for his one brain cell show that is also being offered on Pay-to-View-the-Rapist TV.

Computer error delays flights
A huge computer error caused the delay and cancellation of many UK flight at the weekend. The computer, a Nintendo Game Boy, had just been loaded up with the latest Pokemon Yellow game, when it crashed, leaving hundreds of planes hanging in mid-air. Thousands of people faced delays of up to six hours at airports all over the country, but Air Traffic officials said that everything was now almost back to normal. "For some reason we are managing to match up everybody's luggage, but I'm sure well be able to fix that little problem out as soon as I've evolved", said a spokesperson at Heathrow Airport.