C&A sales boom
The doomed high street store C&A is reporting a sharp increase in sales at it's shops around the country. Hundreds of thousands of morbid customer are visiting the retail outlets to watch the slow death of a one-time fashion leader. One shopper in Chester said, "It's a bit like a road crash, everyone gathers round to have good look at the victim." When pressed about the clothes on sale at C&A, the shopper said, "You mean this stuff is for sale?".

Lottery turns into a lottery
Neither companies bidding to take over the running of the National Lottery in 2001 have won so much as a bonus ball. The National Lottery Commission has told both Camelot and The People's Lottery, run by Richard Branson, that their bids are not up to scratch and that they must rethink their bids. A spokesperson for Camelot said, "Now we know how millions of people feel on a Saturday night when their numbers don't come up." Virgin boss Richard Branson said, "My balls dropped when I heard the news."

Sport
Strawberries are being picked in their thousands ready for the annual binge as the final preparations are put in place. Impromptu singing in the rain, the guzzling of alcohol, the 'oohs' and 'ahhs' of the crowd and occasional glimpse of a pair knickers will be spoilt again by professional people playing their hearts out to cries of 'love'. It could so easily be Glastonbury, but no, it's Wimbledon.