Vatican releases details of third Fatima
Very important people at the Vatican have released details of the third Fatima. Up until now, only two Fatimas were known. The third Fatima states, "On his knees at the foot of a big cross he was killed by a group of soldiers who fired bullets and arrows." The Vatican says that this was obviously the assassination attempt on the Pope, who wasn't on his knees at the time or shot with an arrow by soldiers or, for that matter, killed. Fatima Whitbread was unavailable for comment, but in a statement read out by her solicitor she said, "It has nothing to do with me. Leave me alone".

Cricket cover
The former Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Paul Condon is to lead a world-wide inquiry into cricket match-fixing. At a news conference in London, everyone thought they said condom and started sniggering. Sir Paul said he believed the International Cricket Council was serious about getting rid of all traces of corruption in the sport, but would stop short of finding out why England are crap.

Rail strikes ahead
Members of the RMT union has voted in favour of industrial action over pay to signalmen. The move comes after the union rejected Railtrack's offer of a 9% rise and members voted by 1,595 to 1,352 in favour of taking strike action. A spokesperson for Railtrack said, "We will not allow industrial action to bring rail services to a standstill. That's our job."