Money by the litre - Exclusive!
The Government are planning to replace the current monetary system not with the Euro, but with petrol. From next January Pounds and pence will be replaced by units of unleaded petrol. The move comes as Tony Blair promised another increase in the price of fuel, which has already gone up by 44% since he came to power. A spokesperson for Mr Blair said, "We hope to have petrol at a pound a litre by Christmas so that the transition to a liquid currency will go smoothly." The change over to petrol would mean that gas stations would become banks and wages would be paid in litres not pounds. But not everyone is happy with the idea. A spokesperson for The Leather Wallet Factory, who make leather wallets, said, "We'll simply go out of business as our wallets are not designed to hold petrol".

Charlie Dimmock behind rural thefts
A leading rural insurance company says that TV gardener Charlie Dimmock is to blame for a huge demand in black market garden equipment and ornaments. A spokesperson for NFU Mutual said, "Ms Dimmock is on the TV almost every night - often not wearing a bra. She's brainwashing us all into have nice breasts and this is encouraging the criminal element of society to pinch stuff from gardens. We need to stop these knickers."

Cost of busking set to rise
Buskers at London tube stations are warning passengers that the cost of listening to them is likely to rise. The threat comes following plans to charge the buskers £20 a year to play at the stations. One busker said, "Twenty quid is a lot of money, mate, we'll have to pass this cost onto the public by insisting they pay an extra couple of pence every time the pass - otherwise we'll have to play elsewhere".