Queen attacks man in dress
A man wearing a tartan dress with a fluffy bag hanging at the front, has been attacked by The Queen brandishing a sword, in what one Palace official described as 'an unprovoked act of monarchy'. The man, who is only known by his code name "The former James Bond", was made to kneel before Her Majesty, who then branded a large 'ceremonial' sword as tried to sever both of his ears. The man was unhurt and later posed for photographs in his skirt.

Driving too fast
A man has driven very fast indeed. Mark Newby, who is 43 next birthday and comes from Kent was caught driving at 272mph in a jet-powered car near York. A spokesperson for York Police said, "We caught this little monkey doing 272mph. He reckons it's some sort of land-speed record, but we've heard them all before. He must think we were born yesterday". Mr Newby said, "I must admit I nearly crapped myself".

It's all in the mind
Researchers at University College London have managed to see what happens in the brain of someone who is love-struck. The scientists, who had nothing better to do, scanned the brains of 17 "madly in love" volunteers to see what happened when they fell in love. A spokesperson for University College said, "It was amazing. They immediately lost all control of their finances, eyes and sex organs. They started to talk in a funny way and found it difficult to hang up the phone. I have to say it made us all feel quite sick."