Belt up Fido
A campaign has been launched calling for pets to wear seat-belt when travelling in cars. Research by the RAC Foundation and the Companion Care Veterinary Surgeries shows that four out of five dogs, cats and other fluffy animals could be spared injury of they were strapped in. A spokesperson for the RSPCA said, "In this day and age it is ludicrous that pets are not covered by the same laws as humans. We want all pets, whether it be a horse, dog, cat or gerbil, to wear a seat-belt when driving. And pets that drink and drive should be shot."

Going to rot
Fruit is being allowed to rot in fields because there are not enough seasonal pickers, according to the National Farmers Union has said. Ben Gill, NFU President said, "This is clearly a ridiculous situation. It's catch twenty-two all over again. It's like Pearl Harbour out there, with dead strawberries all over the place. Farmers are forced to grow crops at gunpoint and then when it comes to picking time no one wants to know. It's the Falklands all over again, but this time it's innocent fruit that's being used as a political tool."

Police given powers to stop drunken Scousers
Merseyside Police have been given the power to take alcohol from people drinking on the streets of Liverpool. The move is expected to be met with six years of mourning, a service of interdenominational alcoholic woe at Liverpool Cathedral and calls for a memorial to be erected in Sefton Park at the spot where many a drunk has thrown their guts up.