A maze-ing
A number of people have been arrested after 300 demonstrators attacked a GM maze crop in Over Compton near Sherborne, Dorset. The maize has been genetically modified so that it can arrest anyone tampering with it. "It's a sort of Citizen's Arrest, only by maize", said one local farmer. A spokesperson for the protesters said, "With GM modification they can make the maize, which is usually quite happy to sway quietly in the wind, become aggressive and start arresting people left, right and centre. We were just having a peaceful demo. The maize started it. I'll have you maize!".

Male pill works
Scientists say that a male contraceptive pill has proved 100% effective in tests. The new pill, which is taken by men rather than women, was developed by a Dutch firm called Organon. A spokesperson for Organon said, "It works really well. After clinical trials none of the men wanted to have sex as they were too busy worrying about where all the blood was coming from every month".

Doctor's last orders
George Best's doctor has appealed to Britain's bar staff to refuse to serve the soccer legend a drink in order to help him beat his alcohol addiction. Professor Roger Williams has been treating Best for a serious liver condition. "If he comes into your bar asking for a drink, tell him to bugger off. Tell him you know who he is and you don't want the likes of him coming round here getting drunk and beating everyone at table football. Sod off home", he said.