PM unhappy at leak
The Prime Minister, Tony Blair, is said to be extremely miffed over the leaked memo in which he admitted that his Government seemed "out of touch". A spokesperson for Downing Street said, "He's very cross at the thought that the British people know what he's thinking and that he fears that his party is out of touch with Britain. He was planning on making an address to the Nation on the Home Service tonight, but he's just heard that Neil Armstrong has stepped on to the moon".

Tesco revert to pounds
Supermarket giants Tesco are to sell products in imperial weights again because it says its customers are confused by the metric system introduced to make things easier for people living on the continent to buy things when over here. A spokesperson for Tesco said, "Life was much easier in the old days of pounds and ounces, so from today or customers will be able to buy a four ounces of ham for just under two shillings and instead of worrying about kilos, all our spuds will be sold at a flat rate of six guineas a half ton."

Gordon Brown's shopping list
Chancellor Gordon Brown is to outline his plans for Government spending in the commons later today. Mr Brown is expected to have an extra £40bn to play with. A spokesperson for the Chancellor said, "He's never had so much money to mess around with. He's like a child with some extra pocket money and it's burning a hole in his pocket. It's been suggested that he may want to spend it on the National Health Service and education, but knowing Gordon he'll probably buy a load of Pokemon cards."