More bobbies on the beat
The home secretary, Jack Straw has announced that he will put an extra 4,000 police officers on the street. The street in question is Appleton Road in Crewe. Mr Straw said, "The police are at the sharp end of the fight against crime and disorder. By putting 4,000 extra officers on the street in Crewe it will send a very clear message to the criminal element of our society that we, as a New Labour Government, haven't got a bloody clue what we're doing".

Nothing like a Dame
The singer Shrilly Bassey, best known for a comedy sketch on TV with Morecambe and Wise, has been made a Dame Commander by the Queen at a ceremony in Buckingham Palace. "I've no idea what a Dame Commander is", said Ms Bassey. A spokesperson for Buckingham Palace said, "The Queen doesn't know either, but she's happy to hand them out willy nilly to anyone these days. For pitys sake, we even had Barbara Windsor in here this morning claiming to be a relative of the Queen and demanding a gong. HRH shut her up with a quick MBE."

Everything stops for bomb
Residents of the British Isles could have easily thought that the whole country was grinding to a halt yesterday as police in London found a bomb near a railway line. TV and radio news reports suggested that the whole country had come to a stand still, while in reality only people in the capital were effected. Elsewhere there was a pretty nasty accident on the M6, but no one seemed to bothered about that because it wasn't in London.