Pop star has Yank not Brit
The pop star Madonna has given birth to her second baby in America not the UK. Describing hospitals over here as "old and Victorian", the slapper said, "I like efficiency. Hospitals in the UK just don't provide the kind of service a woman with my looks and money come to expect. Nope, I'll wanted my baby in the States, thank you very much, but I will return to England to collect Child Benefit and to give the child a good free education". A spokesperson for the Department of Health said, "I hope the brat teethes early and shreds her nipples, the cheeky bitch."

Internet firm to sell petrol online
A new internet site is to be launched next year allowing motorists the chance to buy petrol online. A spokesperson for a big computer company said, "This is fantastic news for all. Motorists will make a saving of around 3p a litre. The only down side is that it will cost around seven million pounds per customer to have the pipework installed in to their homes." Already other companies are looking at ways of cashing in on the idea and ideas so far floated include online massages, online swimming and online chiropody.

Barclays continue to rip the heart out of Britain
High street bank Barclays is to take over it's rival The Woolwich in a bid to put a further 1,000 people on the dole and close branches. Barclays chief executive Matthew Barrett said, "We simply ran out of branches to close. So this merger not only gives us the opportunity to close 100 more it also means we can get rid of around 1,000 employees."
Chairman of Barclays, Sir Peter Middleton said, "Earlier this year we closed 170 of our branches. I know that was a hard pill to swallow for some, but I bet they didn't expect this".