The swine are banned
The European Commission has banned exports of English pigs following an outbreak of swine fever in East Anglia. A Ministry of Agriculture spokesman said the EU Commission's ban was not surprising. "I often wonder if they would ban our MEPs from travelling abroad if they had so much as a cold", he said. Swine fever is a viral disease that is lethal to pigs but harmless to humans, unless they're from Runcorn.

Rural crime bad for environment
The introduction of closed-circuit television cameras in town centres has led to a rise in crimes in villages and other parts of the countryside. A spokesperson for the criminal population said, "The introduction of these cameras is discriminatory. We now have to travel into the country to do our work and that's bad for the environment as we have to use cars (stolen of course) because the public transport system in the country is terrible. And to make matters worse a lot of rural banks and post offices are closing, which means that we have to travel even further if we want to do a cash job." The Government are now looking at ways of putting a camera on every tree in the country.

Basil is back!
The puppet Basil Brush is to return to television after a twenty year break. Basil, who is a fox that talks and says things like, "Boom Boom" and "Hurty Gerty from number thirty". Many adults grew up with Basil as he was never off the TV. Now a whole new generation will grow to love the cheeky little fox. A spokesperson for Basil Brush said, "He's a puppet. A man sits on the floor and has his hand shoved up the bottom of him. It must be very uncomfortable, but the children love it. The puppet that is, not having a hand shoved up their bottoms, unless they're from Runcorn."