Clone sweet clone
A bunch of scientists, who obviously haven't read the work of Aldous Huxley, have advised the British Government to begin tests on human cloning. Experiments could lead to the growing of human 'spare parts' and the scientists say that people who suffer from painful illnesses could, theoretically, be kept alive a lot longer and thus suffer a great deal more. A spokesperson for the Department of Health said, "I must admit that when I heard what they were planning to do I was outraged. But then I realised that they were talking about human cloning, not humane clowning, the consequences of which would be unimaginable". The Prime Minister, Tony Blair was unavailable as too was the actor who plays Krusty the Clown on the Simpsons.

Unemployment figure falls
The number of people claiming unemployment benefit in the UK fell to just over one million last month according to the Office for National Statistics (which only uses half of the letters available to it in the English alphabet). A spokesperson for the Department of Employment said, "We are very disappointed with the figures. At one time Britain led the way in the unemployment stakes, but now we are falling far behind. But it's not all bad news as some of our policies are due to bear fruit as hundreds of small businesses go down the drain."

Heir to study north of border
The son of Prince Charles, Prince William, will be heading north to St Andrews University in Scotland to continue his studies. The university was founded in 1411 and is thought to be nothing like Harry Potter's Hogwarts school where wizards and witches learn magic spells and horrible beasts hide in secret chambers far below the the earth. A spokesperson for St Andrews said, "We'd love to have the Prince here, it'll be super. But he won't be getting any special treatment just because he's got blue blood running through him. But of course it all depends on how well he does with his A-Levels as to whether we'll allow him to be Head Boy or Vice Principle".