'Newspaper' drops campaign
The News of the World is to abandon its "name and shame" campaign against paedophiles following pressure from the Daily Harbinger. A spokesperson for the News of the World said, "We've milked it for all we can." The campaign had caused a number of do-gooders to take the law into their own hands and attack people, some of which we mistaken for paedophiles pictured in the rag. The spokesperson went on to say, "We have decided to discontinue the naming procedure under which we identified with photographs convicted paedophiles in the newspaper. Instead we've got something else up our sleaze, er sorry I mean sleeve. Watch this space". It's expected that no one will buy the News of the World on Sunday.

New sex book for kids
A national charity is to publish a controversial sex booklet for teenagers which shows how to grope and start foreplay. The book, that was first published in 1991 suggests different sex positions and includes cartoons showing teenagers having sex. A spokesperson for people who don't like this sort of thing said, "Sex is for grown-ups. You don't see us playing computer games or revising for exams, so why should children be allowed to do this sort of thing." A spokesperson for teenagers said, "Show us yer dick".

Queen Mother touched
The Queen Mother, who is 100 years and one day old, was touched yesterday in London. A spokeswoman for the Queen Mum said, "She was touched by the many people on the route from Clarence House and outside Buckingham Palace". Members of the Royal family don't usually liked be touched by commoners but this was a "special occasion". All those that did manage to touch the QM we're photographed and will be named in a special 'Geriphile - We Name And Shame" pullout section of the News of the World on Sunday.