Rail ticket offices to stop selling tickets
Rail firms are proposing to stop the sale of certain tickets in some of the smaller stations in a bid to completely piss off people living in rural areas. The Association of Train Operating Companies said the move was aimed were intended to make the ticketing system easier for passengers to understand. A spokesperson said, "It's going to be so much easier for passengers who ask for a ticket to somewhere on the other side of the country. Our staff will be able to tell them 'no', go and phone the bloody ticket line, it's not my job and anyway what's wrong with your car?". Someone is expected to be outraged at the proposals.

BBC plan two new channels
The BBC plans to launch two brand new TV channels for digital viewers in a bit to spread thinner the licence payer's money. The Director General of the BBC has confirmed that the new channels will go ahead regardless of anyone else's opinion. It's thought that the BBC spent millions of pounds researching new names for the channels and following consultation at the highest level have settled for BBC3 and BBC4.

Hospitals prefer to treat those who are well
A NHS study of Scottish Hospitals has shown that doctors pass over older patients in favour of treating younger healthier ones. A spokesperson for one Scottish hospital said, "It's all a matter of priority. The young have more chance of survival and as such are a better investment of NHS funds, plus some of the young women look really fit in the hospital gowns." An elderly spokesperson for Help the Aged said something about age discrimination, but they started to ramble on about 'in their day' and 'when we were young you could leave the front door open' and things like that. But they did offer me a Werthers Original.