Baby carrots means baby girls
Scientists from Nottingham University say that vegetarians are more likely to give birth to girls rather than boys. But the research was poo-pooed by Catherine Collins, of the British Dietetic Association. She said, "It's bollocks. Everyone knows that little girls are made of sugar and spice, not asparagus tips and falafel beans. These scientist are talking through their proverbial arses." But a spokesperson for Nottingham University said, "Ms Collins is just jealous that she didn't find out this amazing fact first. She can't accept that her parents probably preferred red kidney beans to red meat. We're right and she's wrong, so there".

Tributes to dead actor
People who didn't even know Sir Alec Guinness, who died at the weekend aged 86, have continued to pay tribute to him. Guinness, who was named after a popular Irish drink, was very good at acting. A spokesperson from the hospital where he died said, "He was acting right up to the very end. He was doing us his version of the death scene from The Wicker Man and so it was some time before we realised that he'd actually 'gone'. It was a brilliant performance, so real and so lifelike. The man was a true pro and it was fitting for him to die - it's what he would have wanted."

Government 'name and shame' hospitals
The Government has "named and shamed" seven English NHS hospital trusts where it says patients face long waiting lists for treatment. The photographs of the seven trusts were printed in the London Evening Standard. Within hours a hospital trust up north somewhere that looked similar to one of the photographs was attacked by an angry mob of vigilantes. A spokesperson for the Government said, "It's OK for us to name and who or what we want, but we're dead against anyone else doing it and will condemn it at every level."