Tuck off
The head of the Scottish Qualifications Association, Ron Tuck has resigned. Mr Tuck was responsible for issuing exam results, but there's been a bit of a cock-up as hundreds of pupils had not received their results on time while hundreds more had been given the wrong results. Mr Tuck said, "I accept full responsibility for the difficulties which have arisen in the issue of this year's certificates. I screwed up big time, but I'm the sort of guy who, when the shit hits the fan, is not afraid to say that it's my shit." Mr Tuck is now expected to open a series of small shops in schools throughout the UK.

Bishop takes blame for war
The Bishop of Coventry has said that religion should face the fact that it is the biggest cause of war and carnage in the world. Speaking at a peace conference for 100 Christian leaders from all over the world, the Right Reverend Colin Bennetts said, "If God had wanted us to kill each other he would have given us the knowledge to make guns and missiles and Hitler. If God had wanted a peaceful planet he would have given us doves and CND and Joni Mitchell. But as God gave us all these things then we must assume that God hasn't got a bloody clue what he's doing. Perhaps now is the time for a new deity and I vote for Barbara Streisand." The Bishop was then led away surrounded by a cheering crowd of papal assassins.

A shot in the arse
A load of innocent grouse, who hadn't harmed anyone in their lives, found out the hard way that guns can kill. Yesterday was the 'Glorious 12th', the start of the grouse-hunting season. But a spokesperson for people who like hunting live animals said, "It looks like it's going to be another poor year. The number of grouse in this country is falling. Can't figure it out, perhaps they're dying out or something."