MI5 agent heading home
The former MI5 intelligence officer, David Shayler, is on his way back to Britain after living in "political exile" in Paris for three years. Mr Shayler is reported to have spilled the beans on a number of security issues involving British Intelligence during his time at MI5. The government wants to prosecute Mr Shayler for breaking the 1989 Official Secrets Act, but it is thought that the case may never make it to court. A spokesperson for Mr Shayler said, "British Intelligence are worried that David will reveal more government secrets, like the fact that David Blunkett isn't really blind or that Tony Blair is a Russian agent. But don't quote me on that." A spokesperson for MI5 said, "We have nothing the fear from Mr Shayler. As soon as he returns to this country we will deal with him fairly and justly. That's if he stays alive long enough."

Wal-Mart wants to buy Boots
The giant American supermarket chain Wal-Mart is planning to buy high street chemists chain Boots. Wal-Mart, that already owns ASDA, is looking to revolutionise shopping by selling goods a greatly discounted prices. A spokesperson for Wal-Mart says, "By bringing Boots into our portfolio we can offer cut price drugs, cosmetics and personal things for ladies. Our policy to buy in bulk and sell at prices that guarantee our small competitors go out of business." A spokesperson for Boots said, just moments before he died, "Wal-Mart buy Boots? Over my dead body."

Sport: Man City back where they belong
Newly promoted Manchester City set out their Premiership stall on the opening day of the season by being thrashed 4-0 by Charlton. City Manager Joe Royle said, "We're back. We played like idiots and look unlikely to score, ever. But that's what I like about top flight football, next week we could easily bounce back and only concede one. But all is not lost and I firmly believe that we can produce better football than the crap you saw today".